Another girl, another blog

August 28, 2008, 10:45 pm
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Obama’s speech tonight was simply outstanding.

I wonder if McCain will be able to fill the 20,000 seats in the Twin Cities next week. I just read on that Obama has about 84,000 at Invesco Field.

“McCain says he wants to follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell, but he won’t even follow him to the cave where he lives.” Fan-fucking-tastic.


August 23, 2008, 10:12 am
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How appropriate. And yet sad…

Anyways. This has been another crazy week for yours truly. It all started Monday morning at work. I got a voicemail from one of my regular clients that her four-month old daughter had died last weekend. I was in the middle of a session with another client who was telling me that they allow their 7-month old son to watch movies like “Chuckie” and other horror movies because they “hate cartoons!” ūüėź Then, about 10 minutes after I stopped crying my clinical supervisor called to tell me that she was “officially” on maternity leave because she had her daughter over the weekend.

I finally got ahold of my client Thursday and she told me the baby had died from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). She asked me to attend the funeral, which was yesterday morning. I got the okay from my boss and went to the services yesterday morning. While I was there, my client and her boyfriend asked me to help carry the casket. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and the change in our clinical relationship became very clear to me. I will likely be her therapist for the¬†foreseeable future, but I may refer her to another therapist because of the crossing of boundaries. But we’ll deal with that at a later time.

Besides the work stuff, I’ve just been puttzing along through the week. My parents are still here, although my mom is going to turn in a credit application to one place and then is looking at another today.

Hubs is finally feeling better. We’ve had kind of a lousy week but after finally having some difficult conversations (topics: death, finances, communication) we’re doing a little bit better. Which is nice.

Food wise, I am still sucking. I have been to the gym twice in two weeks. The scale is creeping back up. But at least I am getting all of my water in everyday, which is good.

Today is going to be a mellow day. I am going with my best friend and my goddaughter to Costco to pick up stuff for her 2nd birthday party and order a cake. The party is in two weeks. I will make sure to get an extra hug or three in with her today. Tonight hubs and I are going to dinner and then going to see the new Rainn Wilson movie “The Rocker.” It looks so funny! We saw “Tropic Thunder” last weekend and it was one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time. If you haven’t seen it yet, you totally should.

Tomorrow we’re most likely going to Ventura to hang with some of my friends. Hubs hasn’t been up to my friends’ house so I’m hoping he feels good enough to go.¬†

So there’s my weekly update (MINGE!). Hope everybody’s good. ūüôā

Turkey Burgers
August 17, 2008, 9:32 pm
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I wish I had taken pictures of my dinner tonight. Written words cannot do justice to how good they were. ūüôā Here you go. Enjoy!

1 lb. ground lean turkey meat
1/2 each finely diced yellow and red bell peppers
half handful of flat leaf parsley, finely chopped
2 large garlic cloves, finely minced
1 large egg
1 handful each parmesan cheese and plain bread crumbs
salt & pepper

Pre-heat a large skillet (I’d recommend using a non-stick skillet), add olive oil. Mix all of the burger ingredients together, but be careful not to over-mix or else you run the risk of your burgers being tough. Divide the meat into four parts. Form each into a patty, put in the pan and cook.

Simple. Delish. Low in points. You could add red onion, also finely diced, but hubs can’t have onions anymore so I didn’t add them.

Thoughts in a bullet posting
August 15, 2008, 6:49 pm
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  • I look amazing in my new dress, hot pink hooker heels and great make-up.
  • I wish I had more hot pink accessories to match my shoes.
  • I am going to my 10 year high school reunion in a few minutes.
  • I’m worried my makeup is going to melt off if I don’t leave soon.
  • I’m going by myself to my reunion.¬†

Different…but not necessarily better
August 14, 2008, 11:01 pm
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I’m still here. I’m still processing the 2075048 things going on in my head, still working, still being me.

Things around the house have been…different. Hubs had a confrontation with my dad earlier this week. Then today, while I was buying the Beast a new dog bed, he confronted my mom. Apparently he was snooping around their room yesterday and found a fifth of Jack Daniels, hidden somewhere inside. When he confronted them about this, he really took care of me, and took care of my needs. It’s been very difficult for me to admit vulnerability and ask for help in this situation (actually, all the time but that is fodder for another blog on another day). For him to do that really was important for me.¬†

Last night I went shopping with my best friend, N. I have my 10 year high school reunion on Friday (holy shit!) and wanted to find a cute outfit to wear. We hit the Nordstrom’s Rack and I got a cute dress to wear to work (only in hot pink, cotton, without as much ruffle, and it was only $13) and then another cute dress to wear on Friday (only $20, and this is the closest I could find, my dress is slightly different, I will post pictures after I am in the dress). I also got two pairs of super cute shoes, and all together I spent about $50 on two dresses, two pairs of shoes and lots of options.¬†

I wore the dress today at work and got a lot of compliments on it. I ended up pairing the dress with white pumps and felt REALLY cute today. Although I was busy (crazy busy) I didn’t mind it. Around 2 I was getting a client out of the lobby when some old lady sitting in the lobby asked me, “Miss, are you pregnant?”

Good mood? Deflated. Thanks so much.

I ended up working late, which sucked. Then I went to Trader Joe’s to pick up dog food and ended up grabbing these PHENOMENAL crackers that are “baked crisps with unique roasted gorgonzola notes.” Perhaps the single greatest cracker. Ever. At Costco I got a new dog bed because Dodger has had fleas ever since my parents brought in their dog to our house. He’s all scratched and bitten up, and because of the heat his skin is super dry and very sensitive. I’ve been putting coconut and neem oil on him, which also helps with the mange.

I got home and hubs was in major, massive pain. He’s currently passed out on the back deck. I am really concerned about him because his feet have been beyond swollen for over a week, and after what the other surgeon told us about sucking fluid out of his belly, I’m wondering if that’s what is going on with his feet. On a really selfish note, I want him to be feeling good for my reunion tomorrow. It’s important to me that he’s there.

I feel like I keep rehashing a lot of the same stuff in my head, over and over again. Sometimes it’s difficult to have these selfish feelings while being so self-sacrificing. It is hard to hear, day in and day out, about how shitty he feels. It’s difficult to not have my husband all the time. It’s almost like I’ve already lost him. It sucks.

Sigh…I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Good night.

August 11, 2008, 9:45 pm
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A lot of shit has happened since Saturday, and I don’t quite know where to begin.

Hubs’ doctor’s appointment didn’t go as well as either of us had hoped. His surgical scar is healing nicely and the doctor said that everything looks fine and is healing as expected. This is not the bad part (obviously). Apparently there was a small tumor in the hernia sac and the doctor sent it off to the pathologist to have tests run on it. It was cancerous and is basically the fist biopsy we’ve had done since the August 2006¬†recurrence. The doctor said they also suctioned out approximately two liters of fluid from his belly through the incision site. They had this fluid also tested by the pathologist which confirmed that some of the tumor cells had sloughed off and had accumulated in his belly. This can be something that is common in people with cancer, but as we all know, nothing is ever normal when it comes to Hubs with his illness.

I feel like a lot of things died within me this weekend, and no I don’t think that is over-dramatic or overstating. I think part of me finally came to terms with the reality of the situation and the comfortable state of denial I have been encased in for the past two years has been torn away from me without my permission. ¬†Having to look him in the eyes on the way home as he asked me, “Do you think it’s ever been gone?” broke my heart. Watching my husband’s beautiful eyes fill up with tears as I had to answer, “No, I don’t think it ever did,” nearly crushed me.¬†

One of the first things they teach you in the social work program is about Kubler-Ross’ model of grief and loss. It basically states that people who are faced with their own terminal illness or the loss of a loved one go through five basic stages of grief: denial, anger,¬†bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is sometimes referred to in popular culture and therapeutic circles as DABDA. They’re not set in stone, every person does not go through each stage in that consecutive order, not every person goes through each stage and it is possible for a person to be in more than one stage at a time. People can go through these stages as they deal with a breakup (Jess, I’d say you’re in the anger phase…and rightfully so!), lose a limb, nearly any sort of trauma where they are grieving the loss of somebody or some intricate part of their being.

For the last two years I have¬†vacillated¬†between denial, anger, and depression. I’ve got my issues with God so¬†bargaining was not something I really engaged in. Sure, there have been times where I’ve cried in my room alone at night, begging God to let my husband survive this, and generally those tearful prayers were greeted the next day with bad news from the oncologist. Acceptance of my husband’s impending death is not a stage I am prepared to come to. I mean, how does one prepare for that moment where the person they’ve spent their entire adult life loving is gone?¬†

This weekend, I feel like I came to that point where acceptance was not such a far off concept. With that acceptance came a number of realizations.

I will never grow old with my husband.

I will never celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary with him. I don’t know if I will celebrate my 10th with him.¬†

I will not have the chance to retire with him and travel the world. We won’t see Europe, or go to Thailand, we won’t have the chance to go atop the¬†Eiffel¬†Tower in Paris as opposed to the fake¬†Eiffel¬†Tower at the Paris Hotel when we got married.¬†

I will never have children with this man. We won’t get to argue about baby names, nursery colors, who has to wake up with a screaming baby at 2:00 am and he’ll never get to see a part of him live on.

This is not a pity party. Quite the contrary, this is a realization and point I’ve been struggling to come to in therapy (both in individual and group). I’ve always been so afraid of what admitting this would mean to me, to my marriage, to my soul. As I’ve come to grips with the reality, I know now what it means. Numbness. The feeling of wanting to break down and sob, but being afraid that once I start to cry, I won’t be able to stop. Starting the grieving process too soon means I’m robbed of time with him. Starting it too late means I might miss out on meaningful conversations and tender moments that might not be shared otherwise.

I’m angry.

I’m sad.

I just wish I could still say that I was in denial.

August 9, 2008, 10:06 am
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Ever since Tuesday, my brain has been in a cloud, feeling funky and I have not been the most pleasant person to be around. I don’t like it when my brain goes into overdrive, it makes it difficult for me to really concentrate on anything else.¬†

This morning when I woke up it was the first time in quite a few days where I haven’t woken up with my head in a fog, or in a funk. I just felt okay. I got a decent night’s sleep and it’s amazing how that can really affect a person.¬†

So today is August 9th and my parents are STILL HERE. It is quite frustrating, because they do not appear to be any closer to moving out than they did the first day they were here. I’m trying not to get mad or angry, but I am upset that they appear to be so unconcerned with finding a place. I need to have the “you guys really need to work on getting the fuck out of here” talk with them soon, because Hubs is pissed that they are here and that he was right that they wouldn’t be gone by the end of July as originally agreed on. I can’t say that I blame him.

I’m hoping that today is going to be a good day, although it’s not starting out so great. Hubs got a phone call from his dad about Grandpa. Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital for the last few months with breathing problems, and has spent the last week or so in the hospital. From what Hubs told me, it seems that Grandpa is going to be on dialysis now and has had a permanent catheter placed because his liver functioning is shot and needs assistance with making urine. It doesn’t seem like Grandpa is going to ever leave the hospital.

Tonight we’re going to see our friends Aurum Star at a local club in Long Beach. Then the entire band is crashing at our place instead of renting a hotel room or driving back to the Valley (where they live) at 2 in the morning.

Enjoy a little Aurum Star on this beautiful Saturday morning. I’m off to take hubs to the doctor to get his post-surgery check up. Peace!