Another girl, another blog

Moving on versus moving forward
May 27, 2009, 9:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s hard to believe that it’s been three months (and four days) since Aaron passed away. It’s getting easier to wake up in the morning, and easier to go to sleep at night. There are days where I have to force myself to get out of bed to come to work and nights where I can barely fall asleep because I’m crying too hard and my mind is racing.

However, in the three months since Aaron has been gone, I’ve been finding myself struggling with concept of moving forward. I’ve started dating again. I’m thinking about finding a new job out of state. I’m starting to look into apartments because I’m moving in late August. I rejoined Weight Watchers and have upgraded my gym membership because I’m getting squishy and don’t want to be. I’m navigating a new life that is Aaron-less and it hasn’t been easy.

Many people, especially my close circle of friends, have told me that they feel like I’m moving on too quickly. Many have told me that I need to be alone for awhile. While I understand what they’re saying and why they’re saying it, I also know that I have been grieving the loss of my husband for much longer than three months. I know who I am, I know what I want and I don’t understand why people think I need to be lonely in order to figure that out even more.

I miss Aaron more than words can express. I hate it when people tell me he’s in a better place because, quite frankly, he’s not–a better place would be him driving home from work, bitching about his day. THAT would be a better place. He’s ever-present in my heart and mind, even when I was on a date or travelling to Napa with the guy I’m dating this past weekend.

The one thing I’m not doing is moving on. To me, moving on means forgetting. Forgetting the love, the compassion, the friendship, the memories, the life that we shared. Moving on means forgetting his smile, his laugh, the way his hands felt on the small of my back, or the way my head laid perfectly on his chest when he’d hold me close. Moving on means that he didn’t mean anything to me when he meant EVERYTHING to me.

Moving forward, however, is different. Moving forward means I’m using the lessons he taught me about life and love and incorporating them into my life. Moving forward means I still call him my husband, and remember everything about him, about us, but I still live my life because I’m not the one who died. I’m the one who is left behind to keep his memory alive. I’m the one moving forward because that is what he wanted for me. That is what he told me to do. And with that, I think that is the most appropriate way to grieve his loss–I hold him close, and live my life.