Another girl, another blog

Three weeks
March 16, 2009, 10:07 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I can’t believe it’s been three weeks since Aaron died. There are moments where it feels like it’s only been a few minutes, and moments where it feels like it’s been three years. Today has been a rough day, and it’s not even 11am. 

August and Bert (Aaron’s sister and her husband) came over this morning to pick up the cases of Boost out of the garage. Aaron had been drinking Boost to supplement his diet when he couldn’t keep normal food down. I don’t need the Boost, but I wasn’t prepared for the sadness that came with realizing Aaron doesn’t need it anymore. Then, they went through some of his clothes and baseball caps to take some things with them that hold sentimental value. 

I haven’t opened up Aaron’s closet in the three weeks since he died, and to do so this morning was really difficult. August went through his t-shirts and took a few things, Bert took a hat and a Lakers jersey. I didn’t really care about anything in particular that they took, but I just don’t want to have to keep doing this. His mom is coming over, I want to call his dad and other friends to see if there is anything in particular that they would want before I donate things to charity or have a yard sale. 

After August and Bert left, the mail came and in the mail were the death certificates. I opened them up and cried. Cried because I miss him, cried because its just one more thing that reminds me this is all really real and not just some God-awful nightmare. Even though I can now send in the life insurance money and get some of the business aspects of this taken care of now, it still is awful. 

And to top it off, the first really hard day is coming up this weekend. My birthday is Sunday. It will be my first birthday in my adult life that Aaron is not a part of. It will be the first big day Aaron is not around for. I am going out of town for the weekend because I need to be distracted and not be here surrounded by memories. 

Okay. Enough depressed thoughts for one day. I’m off to take care of things. Peace!


Hanging on
March 4, 2009, 10:57 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Up until yesterday I had been hanging on to some sort of crazy hope that this past week had been some sort of crazy, awful nightmare. After yesterday, I know that is no longer a possibility. Yesterday, Aaron was cremated. I was able to see him one last time, give him one last kiss, run my hands through his hair for one final moment. I had to leave the building when they loaded the box to go into the actual device. Aaron’s mom and best friend Scott stayed. I came back in after a few minutes.

I feel like I’m barely hanging on. Like I said earlier, it comes and goes in waves. I’ve been spending more time alone, which has been good AND bad. Good because I need time to process and reflect and mourn. Bad because this house is giant, empty and lonely. I’ve lost people who were close to me before, but nothing (obviously) like this. The pain is so raw and numbing. I’m trying my hardest to take care of myself, but I haven’t had an appetite, and no energy to work out. I have lost 7 pounds in the last week and have a feeling that there will be a few more lost (I was trying anyways, so it’s not like this is a bad thing). 

I know all of this is “normal,” whatever “normal” might be, but it’s awful. I am coping the best way I can, but that doesn’t mean its been easy. Thanks again to everybody who has reached out, it really has brought me comfort during this time.

The longest week
March 2, 2009, 9:21 am
Filed under: life | Tags: ,

In all of my years of dealing with cancer and knowing that my husband was going to be taken away from me because of cancer, I never–EVER–imagined that losing him would be as difficult as it has been.

On Monday, I was there, holding his hand as he passed away. There is no way to describe how horrible that moment was for me. After he was gone, that state of shock and numbness set it. To be honest, it hasn’t completely gone away. I have had my support system be there for me in the most amazing ways. My friend Nicole organized my entire week for me so I didn’t have to do much and would remember to do everything. My friend Vanessa helped me to do the programs for the funeral as well as the picture that will be up by the urn. Aaron’s best friend Scott was here when Aaron passed away and has stepped up in too many ways to list here. Last night was my first night in the house alone–everybody has been staying here to make sure that I’m okay.

The grief comes in waves, and it comes in the most unexpected of ways–looking in his t-shirt drawer, going out to the bar with my friends and putting my Blackberry on vibrate in case he texts me and then realizing he won’t, doing laundry and realizing I have nothing of his laundry to wash because I did everything last Sunday. I went to dinner with Scott, his wife Chrystal, and another of Aaron’s friends the other night and I could totally see Aaron sitting right across from me at the table.

Aaron’s mom has been amazing this week. She has to deal with her own stuff, obviously, but she has been very respectful of my space and my grieving process. She is spending the night tonight and tomorrow she, Scott and I are driving to Glendale to be with Aaron during the cremation process. My friends have asked me why I’m going and the answer is simple–I don’t want him to be alone. I’ve been with him throughout the entire journey, and I’m not about to let him go through this last leg alone. I probably won’t watch the actual cremation, but I will be there. He will know that I’m there, he will not be alone. 

Thank you to everybody for your kind comments, thoughts and prayers. They’ve helped me get through the longest week of my life.