Another girl, another blog

Oh if only…
September 26, 2008, 8:52 pm
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That good feeling from Tuesday would have lasted through the rest of the week.

I’m currently watching last night’s “Grey’s Anatomy” in the dark while a turkey meatloaf cooks in the kitchen and my ass-hat husband sleeps on the lazy-boy chair. My dog is sick, my husband is, as previously noted, being an ass-hat, and I’m really bored with this episode of GA. 

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that when I restarted my beautiful, lovely, wonderful Mac iBook made a horrible, ugly, awful sound as it was restarting. 

Thank god it’s the weekend. I TOTALLY need the time off.


This is a very strange feeling…
September 23, 2008, 4:05 pm
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I’m having a really good day today.

Last night I went out for greek food and half-off bottles of wine with my BFF, her BF and my boy BFF. Dinner was wonderful, the wine was flowing and I discovered a new version of hummus made with mashed potatoes, olive oil, garlic, tahini (I think tahini was in there anyways, I could be mistaken) and lemon. Paired with warm, soft pita bread and a glass of cold white wine, it was perhaps the food highlight of my night.

After I got home, I laid down on the bed and crashed out hard, still wearing my jeans and sweater. Around midnight hubs woke me up, telling me to change, but I was just so sleepy and so comfortable that I rolled over and fell back asleep. He and the dog slept in the den last night, so I got a really good night of solid, uniterrupted sleep–it was heavenly.

I woke up around 5am, which is unheard of for me unless I’m catching a flight or absolutely under penalty of death need to be awake that early. After 8 hours of sleep, I felt very rested and awake and actually had ENERGY. It was the strangest thing, haha. I threw on my work-out clothes, had some water, and headed to the gym.

Me. At the gym. WILLINGLY AT FIVE IN THE MORNING. Has hell frozen over?

Anywho, I got a really solid workout in–cardio, weights and abs. I got home, made coffee, hit the shower, got ready for work and headed out the door…EARLY. Now, granted I left my health insurance enrollment papers at home and had to turn around and get them, thus making me late for work because I hit mad traffic on the 110, but still. Me. Early.

My work-day has been mellow (although there is still an hour left, so who knows what is going to happen). Clients for the most part have actually been pleasant enough to work with. I went to grab a Diet Dr. Pepper from the basement vending machine and I realized something. I’m in a good mood for the first time in AGES. 

Hubs is having his aspiration done tomorrow in South O.C., so please keep him in your thoughts. He had some test results given to him today by his oncologist, but I’m not 100% clear on what they are, so I’m choosing to be positive and put forth positive energy into the universe.

Now it’s time to do my notes so I can get out of here on time. Here’s hoping the rest of tonight is as good as today has been.

It’s Alright
September 21, 2008, 10:59 am
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So this weekend has been pretty shitty. I got home early from work on Friday and had to take hubs to the ER because of the distention in his belly (per his primary doctor’s orders). We got to the ER around 4:15. While there he had an ultrasound where we learned that his liver has “numerous lesions” and that apparently the cancer has spread to the spleen. At 11:45 I was leaving while he was sleeping in a bed in his own room because he was admitted for pain management.

I got something to eat (thank god for In-n-Out!) came home, ate and then took a muscle relaxer and went to bed. Around 8:30 hubs called me because he had just seen the doctor, was cranky and wanted to complain. I got up, showered, had some coffee and made it to the hospital around 10. The entire time I was there, I felt like a metaphorical punching bag for my husband who was taking his frustrations out on everybody–but me especially.

We finally spoke with a GI specialist who admitted there wasn’t much to do without the results of Thursday’s PET/CT scan, so he discharged him to go home. Once we were home, I crashed out HARD for a nap, and when I got up, he ended up STILL being cranky and finally I told him that he needs to stop taking everything I say as a personal attack and needs to be nicer to me because I’ve had enough of his taking his anger and frustration out on me.

I went out with some friends last night to karaoke and to get some space and clarity. Some people might judge me for not staying home, but had I stayed home it would have only ended up leading to more fighting. This morning things are better–he feels better, I’m in a better head space and my cute puppy dog is sitting up on the couch watching football with me.

It’s alright. Dar Williams said it so well.

Cosmetic damage on the surface, pain underneath
September 18, 2008, 6:42 pm
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I was in an accident on Saturday. Nothing too bad, I was rear-ended while taking the Beast (*my dog) to get a new harness for walks. I was stopping and the next thing I know, BAM! I had a blue Toyota coming to a stop via me.

Neither of us were hurt (and the people in the other car were okay too) and we went along our way to Petsmart. When I got home my mom, who is an insurance agent, checked out my car and noted that it looks like simple cosmetic damage that should be easy enough to repair. My dad, who works for a nearby car dealership, is going to take Roxy (*my car) in this weekend to get an estimate. I don’t really care how much it costs, the other lady’s insurance is going to be paying for it.

So all week my neck has been sore. I have taken a couple of hubs’ extra-strength Vicodin and hated how I feel so loopy and still tired the morning after. This is the first month in EIGHT FLIPPING YEARS I don’t have health insurance. Because karama is a bitch apparently HATES me, my health insurance through work doesn’t start until October first. But there is no way I was going to be dealing with this pain in the neck (yeah, I know, lame pun) for that long.

Hubs’ aunt works for a doctor in Irvine and managed to hook us both up with a doctor’s appointment today. Miracle of miracles I got checked out for *FREE* and he gave me a couple of ‘scripts, one for a muscle relaxer and a pain reliever (non-narcotic so I can take it at work and not pass out at my desk). I took them to Wal-Mart to get filled and BOTH qualify for their $4 prescription program. Now, I’ll shit talk Wal-Mart from now until the end of the day, but damn if I’m not grateful for that program and the fact that I didn’t have to spend a ton of cash on getting some relief for this pain.

Earlier today hubs had a CT/PET scan done. He’s got fluid accumulation in his belly, so now he’s got an authorization to get a general surgeon to do an aspiration (basically sucking the fluid out of his stomach via a giant needle or a small incision. We don’t know which way yet), and will hopefully have that done in the next few days.

As I was sitting in the exam room with the doctor, after he had checked out hubs and hubs had left the room, the doctor looked at me and told me that it’s time to start talking about hospice.

People only get put onto hospice when they have six months or less to live.

I think about that and I want to curl up into a ball and cry my eyeballs out. I want to punch something so I feel pain somewhere else. And as bad as this sounds, I really just want this to all be over with so he is not in pain anymore–either get better and heal or whatever happens next. Watching him be in pain ALL.THE.TIME is *so* difficult. Living in a constant state of anticipatory grief is pretty much the worst way I could imagine spending a minute of one’s life, and it’s how I have been spending the majority of my time for the last year (year one I was in a state of denial and thought he’d get better).

I feel like I wear this mask where I say things are okay and I’m dealing but I’m just…NOT. I’m not talking about it, I’m not thinking about it, and when I do, I change the subject in my head or with whomever I’m talking to. I barely blog anymore because coming here forces me to face my life and put my shit out there. I want to talk about weight loss, or work, or whatever is on the TV that strikes my fancy, but I can’t because that wouldn’t be honest and even when it’s tough, I’m honest all the time (*and by all the time, I mean mostly because I try not to hurt your feelings and I’m pretty good about bullshitting).

I don’t care if you’re anti-choice and pro hunting wolves out of a plane
September 14, 2008, 2:58 pm
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But if you’re pro-woman AT ALL, you cannot in good conscious vote for McCain-Palin. For reals, it’s getting scary here, kids…

While mayor of Wasilla, Sarah Palin worked with the police chief to have victims of sexual assault pay for their rape-kits.

What other crime victim has to pay for their investigation?

September 7, 2008, 2:58 pm
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I’m always amazed at how things in life seem to happen for a reason. Even if I’m not happy about the end result, or the path, things happen because they are supposed to happen.

Hubs is getting sicker every day it seems. There are good days, like today, and then there are the bad days like Friday where every conversation brings tears, every TV show some aspect of our lives that we always wanted but will never have (we were watching the Scrubs episode where Carla and Turk have their baby…) and days like yesterday where my mother-in-law wants to talk to me about what we (meaning me and her) want to do as he gets sicker. 

It’s so overwhelming sometimes that I just break. Yesterday I went to the store to pick up milk and went to get coffee when I was driving home and the song “I hope you dance” came on. I was pulling into the driveway and just sat there and cried and cried. I walked in the house, put the milk away and sat with hubs on his chair and cried some more. 

We are doing better on the whole communication front thing. Talking about feelings, talking about what we want to have happen. Even when it comes as a joke, it’s still being talked about.

On a happier note, yesterday was my god-daughter’s second birthday. She is such a cute little kid, very verbal, very curious, very happy and sweet. She is such a love and we’re finally starting to bond.

I don’t have much to talk about. I feel like my life revolves around cancer and work these days. I don’t have much else to talk about…