Another girl, another blog


Bad juju
April 13, 2009, 5:29 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Seven weeks ago my life was turned upside down. Its hard to believe that its been that long since Aaron died.

All weekend he was on my mind in a very intense way. On Saturday morning, I woke up to a beautiful sunny morning. I had let Dodger out earlier in the morning and left my bedroom doors open. My bedroom doors face the back den, which is where  Aaron spent most of his time as he got sicker. When I  woke up and saw the sun shining into the den, my first thought was, “I need to go and check on Aaron, see how he’s doing.” 

Yesterday I drove up to Lancaster to spend Easter with my sister and other family members. I drove past the Glendale exit where we went when Aaron was cremated and started to cry as I drove past. I could feel him in the car with me, I couldn’t get his face off of my mind. It was the first real holiday I’ve experienced without Aaron (I think of my birthday as a holiday, haha) and it was really difficult. 

Then today. Sigh. Today I wore the funeral dress to work. I spent $100 on it and didn’t want to let it sit in my closet forever. Besides that, I look good in it! So I wore it to work today and all day–ALL FREAKING DAY LONG–I was getting bad juju from the dress. I was in a funk. I had to make copies of the death certificate. I had to discuss losing my husband to co-workers I haven’t seen since I got back. I was running late all day. I was sad. I was tired. Nothing was feeling right. I have no energy.

For some reason the feelings of grief are more intense now than they were when everything first happened. Actually, I know why, it’s because my mind is starting to allow me to feel the feelings. It’s just really hard to deal with it. I can’t wait to start feeling better, and I want to stop feeling this crappy and always writing on here about how sad I am. I promise I will be able to do that. I just can’t say when it will happen.

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Back in the swing of things…
April 7, 2009, 1:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Or so I tell myself.

I started back at work yesterday. It was a surreal experience to walk the same familiar hallways, and yet feel like I was a complete stranger in a forigen territory. I dealt with the expected, “Oh how are you” and “We’ve missed you” and “I’m so sorry” comments and the “poor widow” looks. People were kind and gave me space and didn’t pry too much.

The first thing I saw when I walked into my office was the note that Aaron had sent with my Valentine’s/anniversary tulips.  My heart stopped beating for a minute and I had the ever familiar, “Hey, this has all just been a nightmare” moment, and then came quickly crashing back to reality.

It was difficult to deal with clients, as many of them had been told I was on vacation. So I kept having to answer, “How was your vacation?” questions all day. I wanted to scream, “Um there was nothing good about the last six weeks of my life, thanks!” Instead I told them, “It was okay.” There’s no reason to tell them the truth…

I was not able to stay for a full day, and I’m surprised that I thought I would be able to. I left around 1:30. I just could not handle being here for another minute.

Thanks to everybody who has been emailing, and checking in on me. I’m hanging in there. There are good days and then there are the horrible, shitty, not wanting to get out of bed days. Here’s hoping those days start to be fewer and far between.