Another girl, another blog


Rise
January 29, 2009, 10:21 pm
Filed under: life | Tags: ,

Its been a fairly mellow week. Not much to report around these parts. Work is busy. Aaron is holding steady, not getting sicker, not getting better. There is one new development that has been on my mind a lot lately.

My mother-in-law is spending the night one night a week now. Aaron brought it up to me last week, saying that he wanted that to happen, because he feels like she’s more attentive than I am–actually, the way he described it was that she’s “actively attentive.” Well, sure, when you’re around for 3-6 hours a week, you can be more active. Live with it everyday for 2 1/2 years, and you kind of fall into a comfortable routine. It’s like a mother with a newborn–you know that the baby has different cries and it takes you a minute to figure them out, but once you do, you’re mostly good.

I’ve got mixed feelings about all of this. I have a difficult relationship with my mother and feel like I’ve raised myself and haven’t really had a strong maternal role model for a long time. It’s tough for me to be vulnerable around maternal figures, including my mother-in-law. Aaron’s always pressing me to have a “better” relationship with her, and quite frankly I think our relationship is fine. I’m comfortable with where we are and I don’t really feel the need to open up to her. It’s scary and I don’t really trust in myself to go there. I know it’s all my own “stuff” but I feel like I’ve got enough on my plate to where I don’t really need to work on improving the relationship with my mother or my mother-in-law.

(sigh) It sucks sometimes. I wish I could be like my friend Jess who has a great relationship with her mom, or my co-workers who are BFF’s with their mom’s. Its not fair that I can’t have that, but at least I know what NOT to do if I ever have children. 

Here’s my current favorite song by Eddie Vedder from the “Into the Wild” soundtrack. I don’t really have a good way to close this entry out, so I guess this will just have to do. 🙂

“Rise”

Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole

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Balance
January 22, 2009, 9:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve sat here for the last few minutes struggling with where to start, because there is so much to catch up on. I’ve taken a lot of big steps for myself over the last few weeks–putting myself and my needs first, talking to Dr. Douche (aka my boss), setting boundaries at work and advocating for myself and my husband.

This past weekend I went to Big Bear Lake with my best friends for a much needed getaway. My friend LG has a timeshare up there and we all had the chance to get away for the long weekend. I took a vacation day on Friday and drove up with a few friends. The timeshare room was great–it had 2 bedrooms, a pull-down queen size murphy bed, a little kitchen and a balcony overlooking the snow covered mountains. Friday night was mellow, we stayed in, drank (a lot) and went to sleep (late).

Saturday was breakfast and sledding. My BFF and I tried to sled down a hill. We avoided a tree (narrowly) and tried to stop from flying off a ledge, with no success. The ledge was only 2 or 3 feet, but when we landed, we LANDED. Hard. My butt was sore for three days, but it was totally worth it because it was really fun. After that, we went back to the room, made lunch (I made turkey chimichungas, thank you WW!) and watched a movie. We ended up doing something else (I can’t remember) and spent a good hour or two in the hot tub, complete with cocktails and cigars (for the boys).

Sunday we ended up going night tubing, which was AWESOME. We did that for over two hours, and spent another night in the hot tub. I think by the end of the weekend I was part prune, part cocktail. 

Monday was the day to come home. We went to Alpine Village and walked around for a few hours. There was an old-school arcade which smelled like mold and was colder inside than it was outside, but was surprisingly fun with all of the old school games. The ride home was pretty mellow, I only got nauseated once on the way down because of being stuck in the dark on the side of the mountain. Ugh. It kind of creeps me out–it always has.

Tuesday I finally went and saw a psychiatrist. He was interesting, and empathetic. I got a mild anti-depressant (Celexa) and a sleeping aid (Trazadone). I took a Trazadone on Tuesday night and I felt it well into last night.

Today at work I finally told my boss about what is going on at home and with Aaron. I went in feeling very nervous and I was really surprised. He ended up being really empathetic and incredibly supportive. I am going to be taking one day a month to come in late and will start meeting with the hospice social worker. 

So there you go. I am finally trying to find balance in this crazy life of mine. Aaron is getting sicker, his morphine dose has increased to 10mg/hour, 5mg/bolus. His distention has gotten large again and it’s only a matter of time before he needs another paracentisis. He hasn’t been sleeping well and has been cranky and miserable. Luckily he is currently sleeping on the chair in the den and I have no plans on waking him up.

I do, however, need to take out the trash. And start the dishwasher. And set up coffee for the morning. And get some freaking sleep because I’m not feeling well. G’night!



I won’t make it any other way…
January 13, 2009, 11:05 pm
Filed under: life | Tags:

When I was doing my individual therapy in 2007 one of my biggest struggles was to feel my feelings. I’m a social worker, a therapist–my job is to keep my emotional reactions in check and stay in my head. My biggest breakthroughs were when I cried or was able to really reach in and dig deep and touch upon the feelings I didn’t want to really acknowledge. 

I’ve been trying to spend what time I have left with Aaron being more open with my feelings. I’m not sobbing all over him (I leave that to my mother-in-law) and I don’t sugar-coat the things I need to say. Some of the things I have to say are perfunctionary–fold the towels, feed the dog, call hospice and schedule your appointment, blah blah blah.

Then there are the things that we need to talk about as a matter of planning ahead. One of the things Aaron has said that he wanted was that he wanted a “natural funeral,” the way that it was portrayed when Nate Fisher died on Six Feet Under. After doing some research online, I was told that California does not allow this sort of funeral to happen, because a person needs to be buried with a concrete vault of some sort. Aaron does not want that to happen, so we have decided to have Aaron cremated after he passes away. We will are going to start researching local funeral homes and are going to start the pre-planning process and getting things taken care of that way we (and by “we” and mean me and Aaron’s family) will have few things to deal with during that horrible time. 

Then there are the other things that we say between each other that will stay between us. Suffice it to say that the things I learned in therapy have served me well. I’m able to tap into my emotions in a way that I was unable to before. Its been amazing for us to bond and connect and make sure that we have the chance to have these moments. I am so grateful for those moments. I could only wish that we hadn’t spent so much time not having them.

Have you seen the Barbara Walters special where she interviews Patrick Swayze and his wife? If you take out the fame and fortune, you would basically have our life over the last two years. (As Aaron said last night, “Ha, I’ve got a year on you!”) We watched it together last night, crying at different parts, being touched on the same level. I was quite frustrated with Walters’ questions asking,  “Do you picture your life without him?” and “How much time do you have left?” I understand her job as an interviewer and whatnot, but for me the questions were brash and I’m pretty sure that Swayze’s wife has spent enough time answering that question. My friend Vanessa asked me that same question today and I can say that yes, I have imagined my life without Aaron but lately I’m not able to get past the initial few days after he’s gone. It may seem strange, but I think its my brain’s way of protecting me.

Or maybe that’s the social worker in me, quoting James Taylor, “I won’t make it any other way.”



I have stuff to say…
January 9, 2009, 10:25 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

But it’s been fueled by too much wine, too much being “in my head” and too much time with my mother-in-law tonight.

Well, that’s at least why there’s too much wine 🙂

Stuff to come later. I’m going to bed. Good night.