Another girl, another blog

Happy New Year!
December 31, 2008, 10:56 am
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Just a quickie to wish you all a happy, healthy, and peaceful 2009. Hope you all have a great night tonight. 🙂


7mg base, 3mg bolus for breakthrough pain
December 29, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: life | Tags: ,

That’s the order for the morphine currently coursing through Aaron’s veins right now. There is a steady hum of the oxygen machine in the background, competing with tonight’s SportsCenter. Dodger is cleaning himself, and I’m trying my hardest to keep my shit together.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this quickly.

On Wednesday, Christmas Eve, the RN who is working with us came and placed an order for MS Contin, which is basically a pill form of morphine. She also opened up the emergency stash of liquid morphine that has been in the fridge since Hubs enrolled with Vitas a few weeks ago.

Then over the Christmas weekend and through yesterday, every time Hubs took the MS contin, he would vomit. At one point on Saturday night I had him taking a Boost and I was silently contemplating a trip to the ER for some IV nutrition. However, he was able to keep the Boost down, and was pretty good through yesterday and today.

This afternoon, the RN came over and ordered Hubs the morphine pump. Which was just installed in the last half-hour. He’s got a baseline of morphine in his system and can push the “bolus” button for breakthrough pain. 

When I was a little girl, and my dad would speak of my Grandfather and his battle with cancer, I always remember him equating morphine with it basically being the beginning of the decline my Grandfather went into before he died. On Wednesday, when Hubs was ordered morphine, it was a huge blow to me, even though the pain patches he’s been on for the last 3 years are morphine. At my Grandma’s house on Wednesday night, she was telling me the story of the day before my Grandfather died (thanks, Grandma!) and how she had him go to the hospital because she didn’t want him to die at home. That was a difficult conversation to have, because what was I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to say when people tell me they are sorry I’m going through this? 

Sorry…my emotions are all over the place today. I had a shitty day at work, I come home to this, AND I still have to wake up in the morning to go back to work. To all of the people who have told me they read this blog, thanks. It’s nice to know I have an audience out there. Especially to all of those friends I haven’t seen in awhile, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. They really are very helpful, even if I don’t always know what to say.

Merry Christmas!
December 25, 2008, 11:24 pm
Filed under: life | Tags: ,

I hope you all had a wonderful, beautiful, family-filled, happy Christmas. Mine was nice, packed from start to finish with family (my parents, sister, her boyfriend and his son) for breakfast and then dinner for 13 (in-laws, parents, Grandma). I made a wonderful ham with sage, oranges, and baby carrots. *SO good.*

Enjoy this little clip from “Elf,” which is now one of my favorite Christmas movies. “I love smiling! Smiling is my favorite!” Have a great weekend everybody!

On the sixth day of Christmas…
December 22, 2008, 10:43 pm
Filed under: life

I made SIX DOZEN cupcakes.

I made the infamous pumpkin pie cupcakes with apple butter frosting for our Christmas party at work tomorrow, as well as my Grandma’s for Christmas Eve. I am going to wake up early in the morning to frost them, because I don’t have space in the fridge to keep them all tonight. I have a ham, 2 turkey breasts and a ton of food for Christmas dinner in there right now. I ran out of eggs (correction–I have one egg left) and need to hit the store ONE.MORE.TIME. since I’m making a quiche for Christmas breakfast with my parents, the boy and my sister, her boyfriend and his two kids.

Hubs has been kind of a dick to me over the last few days. I know its because he’s not feeling very well, but come the fuck on already. He’s been snapping at his mom when she’s over, he’s biting my head off over stupid stuff and he’s just being a general jackass to everybody. He’s on my last nerve and it’s taking all I’ve got to not tell him.

So instead I’ll listen and watch sad music, and go take a Nyquil, because I’m getting the stupid cold that’s going around the office. Two days before Christmas. Awesome.

Cast of characters
December 16, 2008, 10:43 pm
Filed under: life | Tags: ,

There are some days where I don’t recognize myself and hubs. We feel like shells of our former selves. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the eyes staring back at me. The hallow eyes, thin stick figure I look at each day is not the husband I married. 

Weekends like this past one and nights like tonight make me wish this was easier/over/not happening to me. We went to buy our Christmas tree (we had to go twice) and each time we went, he was not feeling 100% and was being kind of a dick to me. And the worst part of all this? Each time I thought to myself, “Wow, this is how I’m going to remember your last Christmas.” Shitty, right? Yes, but its the truth. I keep flashing back to the year we lived in Mission Viejo and got our first Christmas tree together. The first Christmas we shared together where he got me rollerblades, even though everybody who knew me urged him to buy me jewelry. Picking out a tree, decorating a tree, lighting a tree, turning off the lights in the rest of the house to sit together and snuggle and just stare at the tree–THESE are the memories I want to hold close. THESE are the memories that I want to recall, not the stupid bickering and silence in the car. I don’t want to remember him straining to lift the tree, or me stringing lights with Scott while hubs sat around in pain. 

Ugh. I’m just waiting for this play called my life to move into a different act. Thats it, I suppose. I’m sorry this has been all humdrum lately. When I have something better to talk about, I promise I’ll put it out there.

Love you till the end
December 12, 2008, 9:59 pm
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Because I’m a fool I’ve seen the movie “P.S. I love you” more than once (well, the whole movie in theaters and then the first hour last night while trying to sleep). The movie stars Hillary Swank and Gerard Butler (who is GORGEOUS!); he dies of cancer, she has to learn to live her life without him (and now you know why I’m a fool). When I saw this movie in the theater with my best friend Nicole, I cried throughout the entire movie. The parts that were the worst to sit through were where she would remember all of the “little things” that she took for granted. The scene that got to me last night was where, after his funeral, she crawled into bed and kept calling his cell phone just to hear his voice. 

You know, the little things…

Anyways. There is a song that he’s signing on his guitar and she karaokes during the movie called “Love You ‘Till the End” by a band called The Pogues. In keeping with my fool-dom, I downloaded it and keep listening to it when I’m in the car or somewhere else, alone. It brings me to tears everytime. It’s a beautiful song and I just felt like sharing it with you all tonight. Enjoy.

 I just want to see you

When you’re all alone

I just want to catch you if I can

I just want to be there

When the morning light explodes

On your face it radiates

I cant escape

I love you till the end


I just want to tell you nothing

You dont want to hear

All I want is for you to say

Why don’t you just take me

Where I’ve never been before

I know you want to hear me

Catch my breath

I love you till the end


I just want to be there

When were caught in the rain

I just want to see you laugh not cry

I just want to feel you

When the night puts on its cloak

I’m lost for words don’t tell me

All I can say

I love you till the end

December 10, 2008, 11:47 pm
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The last 36 hours have been really, really difficult. Yesterday hubs made the decision that he was going to enroll in hospice and made an appointment for an enrollment nurse to come out to the house today, as I had the day off and could be here to provide not only answers to questions the nurse may have, but also for support.

When I got home from work yesterday, I felt like a giant bundle of emotions. I got home and could not hold my tears back. Hubs and I spent most of the night talking, crying, talking and crying some more. There were so many things we talked about–from being scared about the finality of the reality of the situation (*random aside: that would make a good emo song title, HA!), to the painful feelings of loss we have begun to experience. We talked about what we were scared of, what we would miss and all sorts of things in between. I went to bed last night with big puffy eyes, and woke up this morning with sore, tired eyes.

Today was my mental health appointment. My astute readers will notice I did not say my appointment with a “psychiatrist.” Yeah. I sat through an orientation that talked about the difference between psychiatry and psychology (a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can write prescriptions, a psychologist does the counseling), limits of confidentiality (which I know and go over with my clients on a daily basis), and the various types of services that they offer. After the orientation I did meet with a psychologist who completed an intake and assessment. I dropped some knowledge on him (as he said), and was very articulate in my answers, which impressed him. I still have to make an appointment to go and get an evaluation for medication, but afterwards, I can honestly tell you I felt a little lighter. 

I haven’t had much of an appetite over the last few weeks, and after leaving the orientation and initial appointment today, I realized something–I was starving. I got Panera bread (no it wasn’t healthy, and no I could care less about that fact) and came home. About 1:00, the hospice enrollment nurse showed.

Let me tell you internets, if you know of anybody who needs to enroll in hospice, I cannot recommend Vitas hospice highly enough. While the nurse was kind of annoying, she was competent, caring, and compassionate. Hubs has had a paracentisis scheduled for the last week to deal with the swelling in his belly. We were unsure if hospice would cover that procedure, so with a quick phone call, we were told that the paracentisis would be covered and that he can go ahead and keep the appointment. When we told her about his difficulty with showering (he can still bathe himself, he just has a lot of difficulty standing for longer periods of time because of the massive swelling in his belly), she ordered a shower chair and that was delivered TONIGHT. There will be a new set of medications delivered to our house on Friday. There will be an RN coming to our house sometime next week to do an assessment. There will be a social worker, a chaplain, and a home health aide all working as part of a multi-disciplinary team to take care of hubs during the next few months.

Again, I was struck at how strong he has been during this whole journey. He was choked up once, but other than that he was solid as a rock. He had his list of questions, was an advocate for himself and was able to use his sense of humor throughout the whole appointment. I myself was an advocate for my hubby, too.  When the nurse kept telling us that she wasn’t sure if the paracentisis would be covered on Friday, I asked her to call the team manager, which she did without hemming or hawing. 

I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I’m still reeling from today’s events. My eyes are STILL sore, and I didn’t even cry all that much today. I’m exhausted, I still have no motivation, and I’m still struggling to sleep through the night. I feel empty and stretched very thin. But despite all of these negative feelings, there is this ray of optimism that with the enrollment in hospice today, my husband will get the intensive, personal care that he needs right now. Our needs as a family will be met. And maybe, just maybe, we can spend the next six months together creating memories and just simply enjoying the time we have left together.