Another girl, another blog

Three weeks
March 16, 2009, 10:07 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I can’t believe it’s been three weeks since Aaron died. There are moments where it feels like it’s only been a few minutes, and moments where it feels like it’s been three years. Today has been a rough day, and it’s not even 11am. 

August and Bert (Aaron’s sister and her husband) came over this morning to pick up the cases of Boost out of the garage. Aaron had been drinking Boost to supplement his diet when he couldn’t keep normal food down. I don’t need the Boost, but I wasn’t prepared for the sadness that came with realizing Aaron doesn’t need it anymore. Then, they went through some of his clothes and baseball caps to take some things with them that hold sentimental value. 

I haven’t opened up Aaron’s closet in the three weeks since he died, and to do so this morning was really difficult. August went through his t-shirts and took a few things, Bert took a hat and a Lakers jersey. I didn’t really care about anything in particular that they took, but I just don’t want to have to keep doing this. His mom is coming over, I want to call his dad and other friends to see if there is anything in particular that they would want before I donate things to charity or have a yard sale. 

After August and Bert left, the mail came and in the mail were the death certificates. I opened them up and cried. Cried because I miss him, cried because its just one more thing that reminds me this is all really real and not just some God-awful nightmare. Even though I can now send in the life insurance money and get some of the business aspects of this taken care of now, it still is awful. 

And to top it off, the first really hard day is coming up this weekend. My birthday is Sunday. It will be my first birthday in my adult life that Aaron is not a part of. It will be the first big day Aaron is not around for. I am going out of town for the weekend because I need to be distracted and not be here surrounded by memories. 

Okay. Enough depressed thoughts for one day. I’m off to take care of things. Peace!


3 Comments so far
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I’m not sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I’m glad I did.

I’m so, so, sorry for your loss. I really do understand what you are feeling down to every detail – the death certificate, the filled closet, giving things away, celebrating your first birthday alone.

I am 38 now and I lost my husband when I was 31. We had been together for 9 years. He was my life, he was my first boyfriend, my everything, my best friend. He did not die from cancer, he died suddenly from a heart attack…he had a condition that I later learned about through the autopsy.

I too was surrounded by amazing friends and family. My late husband’s parents were incredible…it just seemed so unreal that it was all happening. The first month out was a total blur. I just went through the motions, I don’t even remember eating or sleeping.

Group therapy wasn’t for me at all. I tried it and was the youngest person there. There wasn’t a young widow/widowers group in my area. I just felt so out of place.

I did do individual therapy 3 times a week for several months. I then went 2 times a week for over a year. I then switched to once a week and that lasted for years. It helped so much. It took several tries to find the right therapist, but it was so worth it. I also got a puppy. People tried to talk me out of it, saying that I had enough on my plate, it was a lot of responsibility, etc. I went ahead with it and it was the best decision ever. I felt like I had something besides myself to take care of. It was the daily touch and love that I missed so desperately. There was too much silence in my home. The first night that I had my puppy, was the first night that I actually slept through the night (3 months into the grieving process) I let him sleep in the bed with me. I missed my husband’s breathing, I missed the noise of his faint snores…I just missed everything and hated being alone in the king sized bed. I even switched sides. I slept on his side so when I looked over, I wouldn’t miss him even more.

Time does heal. I pretty much wanted to punch everyone in the face when they would tell me that…but 7 years out…it really, truly does.

I hold on tight to all of the memories that we shared…I’m sure you will do the same.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you nothing but love and healing during this difficult time.

Comment by kathleen

Hitgirl…I just realized how I know you. Sigh…I’m so sorry that we lost touch for so many years. Jess would keep me updated, but I hadn’t heard anything lately. XOXO – please email me when you feel up to it.

Comment by kathleen

Are you OK? Thinking of you in N. VA.

Comment by Mary

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