Another girl, another blog

Hanging on
March 4, 2009, 10:57 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Up until yesterday I had been hanging on to some sort of crazy hope that this past week had been some sort of crazy, awful nightmare. After yesterday, I know that is no longer a possibility. Yesterday, Aaron was cremated. I was able to see him one last time, give him one last kiss, run my hands through his hair for one final moment. I had to leave the building when they loaded the box to go into the actual device. Aaron’s mom and best friend Scott stayed. I came back in after a few minutes.

I feel like I’m barely hanging on. Like I said earlier, it comes and goes in waves. I’ve been spending more time alone, which has been good AND bad. Good because I need time to process and reflect and mourn. Bad because this house is giant, empty and lonely. I’ve lost people who were close to me before, but nothing (obviously) like this. The pain is so raw and numbing. I’m trying my hardest to take care of myself, but I haven’t had an appetite, and no energy to work out. I have lost 7 pounds in the last week and have a feeling that there will be a few more lost (I was trying anyways, so it’s not like this is a bad thing). 

I know all of this is “normal,” whatever “normal” might be, but it’s awful. I am coping the best way I can, but that doesn’t mean its been easy. Thanks again to everybody who has reached out, it really has brought me comfort during this time.


3 Comments so far
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(((((Jamie)))))) I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

I don’t know if you remember me but we traded a bunch of messages on the WW board a while back – my late DH died of cancer too – I was widowed at 29.

I’ve thought of you over the years and had hoped all was well with you and Aaron. I am heartbroken for you and know too well what you’re going through. Your comment “I want Aaron to live, but I want this battle to be done. I don’t want him to leave, but I want to move on. I am so tired of these feelings being in my head, so tired of feeling bad for wanting my life to move on.” was EXACTLY how I felt in the run-up to widowhood too. It’s such a roiling mass of contradicting emotions.

And widows are supposed to be old grannies with their hair in a bun. Being a WIDOW in one’s 20s is so wrong….. you have every sympathy in the world from me right now. Hang in there. And email me any time if you want.

Mary (MaDolce from long ago)

Comment by Mary (MaDolce)

I’m so sorry for your loss, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Comment by Debbie

Love ya, Jamie! When you’re up for it, let me take you out for lunch or dinner sometime. I’m here whenever you need someone to talk to over garlic mashed potatoes. (:

Comment by Heidi

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