Another girl, another blog

Conflict within
February 8, 2009, 9:15 pm
Filed under: life | Tags:

When everything with Aaron started happening in 2006, I was quite fond of using denial as my main defense mechanism. It was easy because I didn’t have to acknowledge reality, and I most certainly did not have to admit to myself or anybody else that my husband was going to die far too young.

Lately I’ve been suffering a crisis of conflict. I’ve written before about accepting the reality of the situation and there’s nothing new to say on that front. No, the conflict stems mostly from guilt. Of course I don’t want Aaron to die. I don’t. I wish I could miraculously cure cancer and save his life.

But then there is a part of me that is done. Done watching my husband be miserable and in pain all day, every day. Done waiting for the inevitable. Done wondering when it’s going to happen. Done taking care of people all day at work to come home and do it all night. Done working all day at work and then coming home and doing all of the work around the house. I’m exhausted. I want Aaron to be out of pain, I want this to be over. I want to move on with my life. I want to find happiness, where it may be.

And this is where my conflict comes from. I want Aaron to live, but I want this battle to be done. I don’t want him to leave, but I want to move on. I am so tired of these feelings being in my head, so tired of feeling bad for wanting my life to move on.

I think I need a good night of sleep and a back rub. 🙂


2 Comments so far
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I think that this is probably a very normal reaction to your situation — and I’m confident that my aunt and cousins were all going through the same thoughts over the past two weeks. When Terry was healthy, or even when it seemed he had a chance, we were all thrilled. But as soon as he took the very-fast-and-very-bad turn for the worst, as soon as it was clear he wasn’t coming back, we just wanted it to be over. It SOUNDS callous, but it’s true — and anybody who has ever watched a loved one suffer understands. I think your reaction is completely normal and healthy. Not to mention, you are VERY young to be dealing with this… my aunt, at least, is 64 years old and was married for 31 years. Not that it makes it any easier, but I think being as young as you are and then faced with so much responsibility to play caregiver is really… just… A LOT. And you are amazing for it.

I know that if we could have snapped our fingers and made Terry healthy again, we would have. But we can’t. So then all you hope for is peace, comfort, and calm for those who are suffering… including those of us who will be left behind.

Comment by Jess

I just started reading your blog recently. As far as the conflict you describe, it sounds like you’re suffering from “caregiver burnout”, and not surprisingly so! Have you looked into some sort of respite program for caregivers, or having a home health worker come in occasionally, just so you can take a little break? After all, if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not much good to others, right? 🙂 In any case, it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

Comment by mikkie

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