Another girl, another blog

I won’t make it any other way…
January 13, 2009, 11:05 pm
Filed under: life | Tags:

When I was doing my individual therapy in 2007 one of my biggest struggles was to feel my feelings. I’m a social worker, a therapist–my job is to keep my emotional reactions in check and stay in my head. My biggest breakthroughs were when I cried or was able to really reach in and dig deep and touch upon the feelings I didn’t want to really acknowledge. 

I’ve been trying to spend what time I have left with Aaron being more open with my feelings. I’m not sobbing all over him (I leave that to my mother-in-law) and I don’t sugar-coat the things I need to say. Some of the things I have to say are perfunctionary–fold the towels, feed the dog, call hospice and schedule your appointment, blah blah blah.

Then there are the things that we need to talk about as a matter of planning ahead. One of the things Aaron has said that he wanted was that he wanted a “natural funeral,” the way that it was portrayed when Nate Fisher died on Six Feet Under. After doing some research online, I was told that California does not allow this sort of funeral to happen, because a person needs to be buried with a concrete vault of some sort. Aaron does not want that to happen, so we have decided to have Aaron cremated after he passes away. We will are going to start researching local funeral homes and are going to start the pre-planning process and getting things taken care of that way we (and by “we” and mean me and Aaron’s family) will have few things to deal with during that horrible time. 

Then there are the other things that we say between each other that will stay between us. Suffice it to say that the things I learned in therapy have served me well. I’m able to tap into my emotions in a way that I was unable to before. Its been amazing for us to bond and connect and make sure that we have the chance to have these moments. I am so grateful for those moments. I could only wish that we hadn’t spent so much time not having them.

Have you seen the Barbara Walters special where she interviews Patrick Swayze and his wife? If you take out the fame and fortune, you would basically have our life over the last two years. (As Aaron said last night, “Ha, I’ve got a year on you!”) We watched it together last night, crying at different parts, being touched on the same level. I was quite frustrated with Walters’ questions asking,  “Do you picture your life without him?” and “How much time do you have left?” I understand her job as an interviewer and whatnot, but for me the questions were brash and I’m pretty sure that Swayze’s wife has spent enough time answering that question. My friend Vanessa asked me that same question today and I can say that yes, I have imagined my life without Aaron but lately I’m not able to get past the initial few days after he’s gone. It may seem strange, but I think its my brain’s way of protecting me.

Or maybe that’s the social worker in me, quoting James Taylor, “I won’t make it any other way.”


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