Another girl, another blog


7mg base, 3mg bolus for breakthrough pain
December 29, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: life | Tags: ,

That’s the order for the morphine currently coursing through Aaron’s veins right now. There is a steady hum of the oxygen machine in the background, competing with tonight’s SportsCenter. Dodger is cleaning himself, and I’m trying my hardest to keep my shit together.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this quickly.

On Wednesday, Christmas Eve, the RN who is working with us came and placed an order for MS Contin, which is basically a pill form of morphine. She also opened up the emergency stash of liquid morphine that has been in the fridge since Hubs enrolled with Vitas a few weeks ago.

Then over the Christmas weekend and through yesterday, every time Hubs took the MS contin, he would vomit. At one point on Saturday night I had him taking a Boost and I was silently contemplating a trip to the ER for some IV nutrition. However, he was able to keep the Boost down, and was pretty good through yesterday and today.

This afternoon, the RN came over and ordered Hubs the morphine pump. Which was just installed in the last half-hour. He’s got a baseline of morphine in his system and can push the “bolus” button for breakthrough pain. 

When I was a little girl, and my dad would speak of my Grandfather and his battle with cancer, I always remember him equating morphine with it basically being the beginning of the decline my Grandfather went into before he died. On Wednesday, when Hubs was ordered morphine, it was a huge blow to me, even though the pain patches he’s been on for the last 3 years are morphine. At my Grandma’s house on Wednesday night, she was telling me the story of the day before my Grandfather died (thanks, Grandma!) and how she had him go to the hospital because she didn’t want him to die at home. That was a difficult conversation to have, because what was I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to say when people tell me they are sorry I’m going through this? 

Sorry…my emotions are all over the place today. I had a shitty day at work, I come home to this, AND I still have to wake up in the morning to go back to work. To all of the people who have told me they read this blog, thanks. It’s nice to know I have an audience out there. Especially to all of those friends I haven’t seen in awhile, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. They really are very helpful, even if I don’t always know what to say.

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3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Many hugs to you. I’m here if you want to talk or email or whatever.

Comment by jessica

I truly can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please know that people — yes, even online strangers — are thinking of you and your family. Wishing you peace.

Comment by Mary

We say sorry because we don’t know what else to say. We wish there was a way to help you and yet we know we can’t. So in our frustration to want to help you we make stupid statements like “we are sorry you are going thru this”. We wish there was more that we could do to help you, but all we can do is be there for you if you need us. We know that you are an incredibly strong person to be able to deal with all that you are going through, and we are so very proud of you for all you have accomplished and all that you have made it through. We love you very much, and will always be here for you if you need us.

Love
Uncle Mark and Aunt Joanne

Comment by Aunt Joanne




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