Another girl, another blog

Cosmetic damage on the surface, pain underneath
September 18, 2008, 6:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ,

I was in an accident on Saturday. Nothing too bad, I was rear-ended while taking the Beast (*my dog) to get a new harness for walks. I was stopping and the next thing I know, BAM! I had a blue Toyota coming to a stop via me.

Neither of us were hurt (and the people in the other car were okay too) and we went along our way to Petsmart. When I got home my mom, who is an insurance agent, checked out my car and noted that it looks like simple cosmetic damage that should be easy enough to repair. My dad, who works for a nearby car dealership, is going to take Roxy (*my car) in this weekend to get an estimate. I don’t really care how much it costs, the other lady’s insurance is going to be paying for it.

So all week my neck has been sore. I have taken a couple of hubs’ extra-strength Vicodin and hated how I feel so loopy and still tired the morning after. This is the first month in EIGHT FLIPPING YEARS I don’t have health insurance. Because karama is a bitch apparently HATES me, my health insurance through work doesn’t start until October first. But there is no way I was going to be dealing with this pain in the neck (yeah, I know, lame pun) for that long.

Hubs’ aunt works for a doctor in Irvine and managed to hook us both up with a doctor’s appointment today. Miracle of miracles I got checked out for *FREE* and he gave me a couple of ‘scripts, one for a muscle relaxer and a pain reliever (non-narcotic so I can take it at work and not pass out at my desk). I took them to Wal-Mart to get filled and BOTH qualify for their $4 prescription program. Now, I’ll shit talk Wal-Mart from now until the end of the day, but damn if I’m not grateful for that program and the fact that I didn’t have to spend a ton of cash on getting some relief for this pain.

Earlier today hubs had a CT/PET scan done. He’s got fluid accumulation in his belly, so now he’s got an authorization to get a general surgeon to do an aspiration (basically sucking the fluid out of his stomach via a giant needle or a small incision. We don’t know which way yet), and will hopefully have that done in the next few days.

As I was sitting in the exam room with the doctor, after he had checked out hubs and hubs had left the room, the doctor looked at me and told me that it’s time to start talking about hospice.

People only get put onto hospice when they have six months or less to live.

I think about that and I want to curl up into a ball and cry my eyeballs out. I want to punch something so I feel pain somewhere else. And as bad as this sounds, I really just want this to all be over with so he is not in pain anymore–either get better and heal or whatever happens next. Watching him be in pain ALL.THE.TIME is *so* difficult. Living in a constant state of anticipatory grief is pretty much the worst way I could imagine spending a minute of one’s life, and it’s how I have been spending the majority of my time for the last year (year one I was in a state of denial and thought he’d get better).

I feel like I wear this mask where I say things are okay and I’m dealing but I’m just…NOT. I’m not talking about it, I’m not thinking about it, and when I do, I change the subject in my head or with whomever I’m talking to. I barely blog anymore because coming here forces me to face my life and put my shit out there. I want to talk about weight loss, or work, or whatever is on the TV that strikes my fancy, but I can’t because that wouldn’t be honest and even when it’s tough, I’m honest all the time (*and by all the time, I mean mostly because I try not to hurt your feelings and I’m pretty good about bullshitting).


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Jaime… love and hugs and all the vibes and support I can muster are being sent your way.

Love you babe.

Comment by jessifer

Vibes and anything else I can send to help you feel better. I am sorry for the pain you are in right now.


Comment by Kelleyalunni

Hi. I’ve been reading your blog for the last couple of weeks now. I just wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry. I really can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Please know that I’m including you and your husband in my prayers.

Comment by Mary

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