Another girl, another blog


For accountability sake
June 3, 2008, 2:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ,

Breakfast:
Eggs: 2 pts.
Bell pepper: 0 pts

Lunch:
Watermelon: 1 pt.
Something else, maybe.

Dinner:
Steak: 4-7 pts.
Salad: 1 pt.

I’m not very hungry. Aaron’s doctor appointment did not go as well as we anticipated. The cancer appears to have spread, the already established tumors appear to have grown, and he’s lost quite a bit of weight since his last appointment in January.

Here’s what I wrote for my myspace friends. I guess I was better able to express myself a few hours ago.

All of the “amazing” blood work results and how good Aaron has been feeling caused us to have high expectations, as if though some miracle had been taking place and we were going to be one of those rare success stories. Inside my head I told myself not to go in thinking the best, but I couldn’t help it.

The cancer is still there, has spread to a few new places and…has completely thrown us.

I feel like somebody has kicked me in the stomach. This lightheaded feeling is the same one I had the day Aaron saw his first oncologist who told him he had six months to live.

My arms feel like deadweight, I’m not sure what is controlling them to type this out. I almost feel like I’ve stepped outside of myself and I’m not really here.

I keep waiting to wake-up, to have this all be over, to move on. I wanted to very badly to say to you today, “Aaron’s in remission! It’s a miracle!” But once again, the cards just weren’t right for that, I suppose. 

Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you for taking away my goals and my dreams and the plans I had set out for my life with my husband. Fuck you for this torture, this constant waiting game, the agony you spread over every inch of our existence.

 

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